Amos was still haunted by what happened. No one was killed or injured, but it was an accident just the same and could have been fatal. The investigation indicated mechanical failure of a crane, but it was company policy to require drug testing of all personel following any major safety incident. “Afternoon ma’am. I’m Amos Moses Morgan and I’m here to do a urine test.” Amos fidgeted. He was uncomfortable in any medical facility.
    The nurse smiled up at him from behind her desk and handed him a form. “If you’ll just fill this out we’ll get you in soon.”
    Amos took the form and sat down next to a stocky brunette wearing boots, dirty levis and a denim shirt. She glanced up and nodded at him without smiling. She exhaled loudly and muttered. “This’s just so much god damn bullshit!”
    Amos stared straight ahead as he felt the brunette looking at him. Her bold stare made him uncomfortable. “Mary Ellen Widing.” A voice called out over the speaker in the room. The brunette disappeared down a long hallway. A few minutes passed and Mary Ellen appeared again, scowling as she left the building. Amos heard his name called and he walked to the hall, anxious to be done with what he viewed as an unnecessary intrusion on his personal life.
    The diner was filled with lunch customers. Amos made his way to the counter and ordered lunch. He lit a cigarette and blew a stream of smoke into the air, still irritated about the need for a drug test. It was an insult to his professionalism. A  female voice interrupted his thoughts.  It was Mary Ellen. “Well, d’ya think you passed the pee test?
    Amos smiled slightly. “I always do.”
    “I figured and old hippy like you might be worried.” She gave him a teasing smile and walked away before he could respond. Amos watched as she left. Davey’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “You know her?”
    “Not really. Bumped into her at the medical lab. You know her?” Amos’s curiousity was piqued.
    “Not really. She’s on the boilermaker crew. I hear she’s damn good.”
    “We’ll find out soon enough. I’ve got a stack of work just wait’n for some good boilermakers.” A wry grin crossed Amos’s face as he paid his bill and left the diner.
    The next few days were a blur of long hours and hard work. There was a steady stream of difficulties and Amos became increasingly irritable as the week progressed. Everyone on the crew knew his moods and gave him a wide berth. By Saturday afternoon they’d made considerable progress  and looked forward to a much-deserved day off.  Amos headed straight for the bar. With enough rum he'd erase the memories of a tough week.
    It was late morning when Amos awoke. he yawned and stretched as he enjoyed the day’s first cigarette. He smiled as he contemplated a day free of responsibility. Aw shit!  I’ve gotta do some laundry. Amos cursed himself for not leaving his laundry with one of the laundry services in town.
    The steady drone of washers and dryers was puncuated by the happy shrieks of children playing with an empty cart. The laundromat was busy, people tending to their wash and folding dry clothes. Amos peered intently at the dryer, watching the clothes going around and around. It was hypnotic and he was startled when he heard a voice in his ear. “Run out’ve clothes to wear?” Mary Ellen smiled at him. “This’s a lousy way to spend a day off!”
    Amos nodded in agreement. “I can sure as hell think of better things to do.”
    “Mind if I join you?” Mary Ellen sat down, not waiting for a response. Amos liked her. She reminded him of his Texas sweetheart, Marci. They sat talking as they waited for their laundry to finish. Mary Ellen insisted Amos call her Elle. “No one calls me Mary  Ellen ‘cept for my mom.”
    As they left the laundromat Amos offered to buy Elle a drink. “Thanks, but I’ve gotta pass. I’m gonna turn in early. I’ve got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow. Seems I’m gonna be working for some hard-ass over in the powerhouse.”
    Amos grinned. “Yup, you sure will be. I’m that hard-ass.”
    Elle struggled to hide her embarrassment. “Aw jeez! Leave it to me to stick my foot in my mouth.”
    “Don’t worry about it. I get cranky now and then, but I’m not as bad as my reputation. You’ll do just fine. I hear your damn good at what you do.”
    Elle smiled. “I try to be. Being a woman on this crew ain’t easy.”
    Amos was sure she was right. The men weren’t used to working next to a woman and some resented her being there. “I s’pose it’s tough, but on my crew you’re just one of the guys. As long as you get the job done you’ll be fine.”
    Elle and two other boilermakers were waiting when Amos and the crew arrived for work the next morning. After a short discussion they dispersed in all directions and another week of work began. As the days progressed, Amos was amazed. Elle was a valuable asset to the crew. She was skilled and strong as a bull.
    It was late Saturday night when the crew finished their day and Amos was pleased. They’ were within a few days of finishing the project. Elle stood silently, wiping grease and grit off her hands and face with a dirty rag. Amos shouted over the din of the machinery. “Hey, Elle! I’ll buy you a drink!”
    “You’re on! Give me time to shower and change clothes. I’ll meet you at the bar.”
    Amos was sitting with the rest of the crew when Elle entered the bar. “Grab a chair and sit on down!” He caught himself staring, as was the rest of the crew. Her long, dark hair hung loose and cascaded down her back. She wore a  tight fitting tee shirt and levis that fit her like a second skin. “Whatcha gonna have?”
    Elle noticed Amos’s preoccupation with her breasts. “I’ll have a shot of Jack Daniels with a water back.”  She leaned over and whispered. “Think you’ll be able to remember my order until the barmaid gets here?”
    Amos turned away, an embarrassed smile on his face. He was attracted to Elle and hoped she felt the same for him. As the evening progressed, Amos slowed his liquor consumption considerably, sipping slowly on his drink rather than gulping one after another. If he had the good fortune to go home with her he didn’t intend to be too limp to perform. Davey knew Amos and what he was thinking. “Hey, Captain! You ready for another drink? You’re gettin’ way behind.”
    Amos mugged a scowl. “Don’t you worry about me. I’m doing fine. Now if you don’t mind too damn much I gotta go wring out my kidneys.”
    Elle was waiting for Amos when he stepped out of the lavatory into the hall. Without a word, she put her arms around him, pinned against the wall and kissed him hard on his mouth. Amos put his hands gently on her shoulders. Elle moaned quietly and kissed him again, her tongue exploring his lips. She pulled back and smiled at him. “You don’t have to be quite so gentle,  I won’t break.”
    Amos did his best to muster a shy smile. “You kinda caught me be surprise.”
    Elle cocked her head. “ I sure do hope it was a nice surprise.”
    “It sure was.  I’m kind’ve shy around women though.”  Amos struggled to maintain his innocent expression.
    “You’ve got to be kidding.”  Elle was incredulous. “ I sure didn’t figure you for the shy  type.”
    They arrived back at the table and sat down. Elle was in a playful mood. She glanced at John and stood her arm on the table. “C’mon John. I’ll arm wrestle you.”
    John glanced at Amos and grinned at Elle. “Okay, but we’re goin’ for a beer, right?”
    Elle nodded and smiled as she locked her hand into John’s. Struggling mightily, John was surprised by her strength. Within minutes his arm lay flat on the table. Elle giggled  and challenged Danny. Again she prevailed. “Okay big guy, you’re next!”
    Amos smiled. “I dunno, you’ve already beaten two’ve my guys.”
    “Don’t worry. I’ll be gentle with you!”  With a forceful lunge, Elle struggled to pull Amos’s arm down. He was surprised at her strength as he struggled to hold his arm steady. Damn! She just doesn’t run down. I was gonna let her win, but she migh win for real. Eventually Amos let his arm slowly fall toward the table until it was lying flat. Elle exhaled loudly and grinned. “That’s three beers you guys owe me!”
    As the bartender announced last call, Elle leaned over and whispered in Amos’s ear. “Want to come by my place for a cup of coffee?”    
“Sure. I s’pose  a quick cup couldn’t hurt, but I don’t want to keep you up too long. I’m sure you’d like to get
some sleep.”  Amos wasn’t sure she believed his innocent act.
    Elle led Amos up the steps to her apartment. It wasn’t at all what he expected. The living room was tastefully decorated with beautiful antiques and the walls were adorned with surreal paintings that captured his attention. Wine red curtains framed the windows and the moonlight reflected on the highly polished hardwood floor. Elle smiled at him. “Welcome to my home. Have a seat and I’ll make us some coffee. There’s cd’s by the stereo. Pick out something to listen to.”
    Amos was astounded at Elle’s eclectic taste in music. Her collection included everything from classic rock to latin jazz. The comfortable ambience of the room settled around him as he relaxed and waited for Elle to return. He closed his eyes, letting the music wash over him as the scent of fresh coffee brewing wafted through the air.
    “Hey sleeping beauty, here’s your coffee.”  Elle stood in front of him, holding two cups. Amos opened his eyes and smiled. “ I wasn’t sleeping. It’s so comfortable here, I feel like I’m home.”
    Elle and Amos sat talking as they sipped their coffee. She told him of her childhood growing up on a cattle farm in Montana and Amos shared stories of his time in the Navy and years after when he’d lived in the desert. Elle snuggled close to him, took his cup and set it on the coffeetable. “It’s really late. Come to bed with me?”
    Amos smiled. “I’d like that.” She led him to the bedroom. The room was dark and Amos reached for the light switch. Elle took his hand. “Leave the light off.”
    Amos was puzzled, but he complied. She slowly undressed. He could sense her tension and was unsure of her mood. “Are you sure you want me to stay?”
    There was a long pause before she answered. “You can go if you want.”  She lay down and covered herself with a blanket. Amos slowly undressed. He could hear Elle crying quietly. He switched the bedside lamp on and put his hand on her shoulder. “Tell me what’s the matter.”
    “I’m fine! Just go, if you want to.”
    Amos was confused. “Elle, if I did something to hurt your feelings I’m sorry. I would like to stay if you want me to.”
    Elle struggled  to regain her composure. “According to my ex, being in bed with me is like being in bed with a guy.”  
    “I’m not your ex and if that’s the way the guy feels he must be crazy.” Amos brushed her hair out of her eyes. “You’re gorgeous. Maybe you don’t think so, but you are.”
    Elle turned to  Amos, her eyes slowly meeting his. “I have too many muscles and it makes me look like a guy. And when I get hot I can’t help myself. I just go wild and sometimes I get too rough.”
    Amos turned out the light. “Okay, now it’s dark. You’re worrying way too much. If I didn’t want to be here with you I wouldn’t be. Roll over and let me see if I can make things better. We’ve got all night. There’s no point being in a rush.”  
    Elle started to speak and Amos put his finger to her lips.  “Shhhh. Roll over now.” Elle did so reluctantly and Amos began massaging her back. He slowly  rubbed her flesh from her hips to her shoulders, exploring every inch of her magnificent body. He kneeded her muscles, feeling her begin to relax. Amos leaned down and kissed her neck and shoulders. She was sleeping. He smiled and lay  next to her,  hugging her body close to his.
    The aroma of fresh coffee and the pungent scent of tobacco smoke filled the room. Amos opened his eyes and saw Elle standing by the bed wearing nothing but panties and a shirt. She smiled and offered him a cup of coffee. “Mornin’ you.”
    “Good mornin’ beautiful. Been up long?”
    “Huh uh. Just long enough to make coffee. Are you hungry?”
    An evil grin spread across Amos’s face. “I am! Hungry for you, that is.”
    Elle gave him an impish grin. “After I fell asleep on you last night? I can’t believe I did that.”
    Amos reached out and pulled her into bed. “It’s noth’n to worry about. You were tired and you drank enough Jack Daniels to knock a horse down. Besides, we’ve got all day.”  He unbuttoned her shirt, pulled it free and gently kissed her mouth. Elle’s lips parted as her tongue searched for his. Amos ran his hands over her firm breasts, gently fingering her stiffening nipples. He could hear her breathing quicken as she kissed him harder. Amos let his lips move to her neck and he trailed wet kisses up to her ear lobes.
Elle took his head with both hands and tugged his mouth toward her waiting mounds of flesh. Amos
nibbled and sucked first one nipple, then the other, marveling at her powerful body surging under him. Her muscles rippled as her deeply tanned body slowly writhed beneath his.
    “God you’re making me hot!” Elle gasped. “I can’t hold back, baby, I’m getting hot.”
    Amos responded by  taking her nipple between his teeth and pulling harder as he pinned her shoulders to the bed. He slowly slid down her body, letting his tongue and lips tease her flesh. His hands found her heaving breasts and he massaged them gently at first and then more roughly. “Jesus, I love what you’re doing,” Elle gasped.
    Amos turned his attention to Elle’s powerful legs, massaging and kissing her inner thighs, then working his way down to her calves. His fingers slowly explored her, fingering the edges of her moist pussy. Elle’s body surged under him as she reached down and wrapped her fingers through his hair. Amos gently tugged at Elle’s panties. Panting and moaning, Elle urged him on. “Rip them off, baby. Oh god, don’t be gentle, be rough with me. I love it rough.”
    “No need to be in a hurry,” Amos reminded her. “We’ve got all day and we’re just getting started.” He let his lips trail warm, wet kisses down her legs and up again, nibbling and kissing her behind her knees. His hands massaged her crotch and her belly. Amos slowly pulled her panties down past her knees and slid them off her feet. Her smooth pussy beckoned him and he slowly lowered his face to her wet muff, kissing and nibbling the opening of her quivering slit. “Oh Jesus!” Elle screamed with delight. “ God that feels good. Please baby, please don’t stop.”
    Amos nibbled and licked, watching the many muscles of her lower belly flexing and contracting. Elle pulled his hair with both hands as her body thrashed beneath him. Her swollen clit winked at him as she struggled to pull his face into her. Refusing to be hurried, Amos resisted and slowly worked his way on top of her, straddling her torso as he buried his engorged cock between her breasts. He slowly worked his hips back and forth as he squeezed and twisted her magnificent mounds of flesh. Elle was gasping and moaning as beads of sweat formed on her face and body. She tried desperately to reach his shaft with her lips and tongue but it was no use. With an amazing burst of strength, Elle lashed out with her legs and sent Amos flying backward onto the bed. Suddenly she was on top of him, her hands seemed to be everywhere at once as she stroked and clawed his body, her face a mask of passionate intensity.
    Elle slid down his sweaty torso and knelt between Amos’s legs. She grabbed his swollen member in her hand and rubbed it’s head on her wet pussy. Amos moaned loudly as powerful sensations of pleasure shot up his backbone. He gripped her breasts and roughly pulled her forward. “Oh Jesus!” She gasped  “Yes! Don’t let up! Pull harder.”
    Amos felt his cock being guided into Elle’s cunt and he thrust his hips upward, anxious to drive himself deep into her. Elle squealed with pleasure, pumping her hips at a frenzied pace and gripping his waist with her hands. Amos continued to manhandle her big, firm tits and thrashed his crotch against hers, the sound of sweaty flesh slapping against sweaty flesh blended with the gasps and moans of their collective pleasure. Amos could feel his love juice rising to the boiling point as he neared ejaculation. “Oh baby! Oh! Pour it on baby . . .Oh, god . . .I’m gonna come!”
    “Oh! God no! Not yet! Oh . . .I need more!” Elle begged, as she felt Amos’s hot love liquid spurt deep into her. “Oh Jesus!” She shrieked. “I need you, baby.”
    Elle was like a wild woman as she grabbed Amos by the hair and dragged his face down between her muscular thighs. Amos struggled for breath as he felt himself squeezed mercilessly. He frantically licked and sucked Elle’s surging pussy, struggling to reposition himself so that he could continue to breathe. Her thighs were wrapped so tightly around him that it was impossible to hear, yet her shuddering body told him she was riding a wave of violent orgasm. Her eyes squeezed shut and her lips curled in a primal scream. Elle released her grasp and fell back on the bed panting and sweating. “Jesus, baby! That was good!”
    Amos grinned as he slid his arm under her torso and roughly rolled her onto her stomach. “Oh, there’s more. I’m not done with you yet.” He forced himself between her legs, the fingers of one hand plying her pouting pussy lips. Elle gasped loudly, trying to roll out from under Amos but it was no use. He held her down and slowly inserted one, then several fingers into her throbbing cunt. He slowly teased her, sliding his fingers in and out at a taunting pace. Gradually he buried his entire fist inside her, pumping with a slow and steady rhythm. Elle screamed loudly, her hips thrashing wildly as she struggled. “Oh fuck,baby!
Oh! Pound it! Pound my pussy! Oh god, pour it on baby, don’t let up on me.”
Elle forced her way to her knees, her ass perched higher as she begged for more. Amos worked his fist in and out of her dripping cunt, driving it into her forcefully , then rolling his hand in a circular motion. His free hand slapped her ass cheeks, one and then the other. Her muscles tightened as she gripped the headboard. Elle’s back and hips glistened with sweat and love juice dripped down her inner thighs. Her orgasms exploded, one and then another. “Oh! Baby! Oh . . .Oh sweet Jesus. I can’t take any more!”
    Amos withdrew his fist, Elle fell onto her side and rolled onto her back, her breath coming in short, ragged bursts. She gave him a weak smile as he lay down beside her. “Don’t ever leave me sweet country boy. Just stay with me and promise you’ll never go.”
    Sleep washed over them as dusk cast soft shadows on the walls. Amos was sure he was still dreaming. He could feel Elle’s kisses on his chest. The sweet scent of her hair teased him awake and he realized it was no dream. Elle lay with her face buried in his chest, her lips gentle against his skin. She gave him a smile. “Mornin’  country boy. We better get going or we’re gonna be late for work.”
    The next few days passed rapidly. Amos accepted Elle’s offer to stay at her apartment. He was beginning to think he might have died and gone to heaven. Evenings with her left him barely enough strength to do his job. By week’s end the project was complete and Amos prepared for moving on. Elle cried as he drove away and there was a lump in the pit of Amos’s stomach. He promised her he’d return the following week-end if he could persuade the superintendent to give him two days off.
    His work week passed slowly. Amos found himself thinking of Elle almost constantly. He desperately wanted to call her just to hear her sweet voice in his ear but he didn’t. It was difficult being away without the added weight of a phone conversation. It was mid-morning Saturday when Amos arrived in town and parked in front of Elle’s apartment. There was a shiny new Dodge truck parked next to her’s. Amos thought nothing of it as he walked up the stairs and knocked on her door. Much to his surprise a tall, slender man with shoulder-length hair answered the door. “Howdy. I’m Amos. Is Elle home?”
    There was a pause before the man answered. “Oh so your Amos?”
    Amos had a feeling something was definitely not right. “Yup. Elle was on my crew here at the mill.”
    The man smiled and extended his hand. “Oh yea! Elle mentioned you. Said you were the best boss she ever worked for. By the way, I’m Elle’s husband, Hank.”

You Are The Wheel of Fortune

You represent the cycles of life, death, and rebirth. You embrace change, the the ups and downs of life. Fate is something you accept, even when you could possibly change things. Big things tend to happen to you more than other people. Your fortune: Something huge is about to happen in your life, and you have little control over it. You must accept your destiny, but luckily it is good fortune that has come your way. Big things and big changes are about to come your way. And while things will be intense for a while, they will be followed by a period of rest.

    I've believed for a very long time that if a story is properly presented it's possible to make nearly ANYTHING believable. I've spent considerable time and effort researching the entire process. Here's the results of one of those amazing experiences.
    It involves a phone call to a dear friend of mine named Sally who at the time of my experiment was working in a busy bar on the north side of Portland. The bar had, for several days been experiencing recurring phone outages. The phone company did finally repair the problem, but Sally remained skeptical, insisting the phones could cease working at any time. Being the gentleman that I am I decided right then and there to render assistance. I jumped off my bar stool and went to the lobby where the payphones were. It was a perfect location. I could speak on the phone and still maintain visual contact with the entire length of the bar. Here's what took place after I called the bar from the lobby:

Sally:   Two By Six, Sally speakin', can I help you?

Mr. AT&T:   Yes ma'am, this is Jim with AT&T. I have a repair order here indicating you've been having difficulty with your phones. Is that accurate?

Sally:   YES! It's been a pain in the ass! Uh.... I mean.... it's been really inconvenient. But they're working okay right now. Is that good?

Mr. AT&T:    It's always good when the phones are working properly ma'am and my tests indicate that most everything is in order. We do have one procedure left to do in order to insure a successful repair. I'm going to need your assistance. Is that possible?

Sally:    Well....damn! I've got a bar full of customers but.... well.... what do I need to do?

Mr. AT&T:   I do apologize for any inconvenience, but this will only take a few minutes and should gaurantee your phones work just fine.

Sally:    Okay..... so what shall I do?

Mr. AT&T:   I need you to cover all the phones in your establishment with damp bar towels. Can you do that for me?

Sally:   Do WHAT?

Mr. AT&T:   It's extremely important that you do this. Our analysis indicates a dust build-up in your phone lines and we need to blow them out. It's very complex and difficult to understand unless you have a grasp of conductive theory.

Sally:   Grasp of what?? Aw, never mind! Give me a few minutes. I'm REALLY busy and there's phones out here and in the kitchen and.... oh shit! Do I need to cover the one in the office?

Mr. AT&T:   Yes ma'am. It is REAL important to cover ALL the phones. I'll call back just before we begin blowing air, that way you can be sure everything's okay.

Sally:    Thanks! Give me a few minutes and I'll be ready. You won't start before you call back will you?

Mr. AT&T:   Certainly not, ma'am. We have a strong commitment to good customer service. I'll call back in just a few minutes. Thanks ma'am and good-by.

Sally:    Thanks again! G'bye.

    Imagine an attractive woman scurrying around the bar with an armload of damp bar towels carefully covering every phone in the room as the bar customers watch with a mixture of disbelief and wonder. When asked what she's doing, Sally insists she's too busy to explain, but that she will after the phone company calls back.
    I reenter the bar and sit down, making a point of staring at the phones. Sally rushes up the bar and pours me another drink. I smile and point at the covered phone. "What's with the towel on the phone, Sal?"
    "That's what the phone company said for me to do."
    I supressed a grin and continued my inquiry. "They happen to mention why you need to cover the phones?"
    "I dunno. The guy said something about blowing the dust out of the lines and to cover the phones so the dust wouldn't blow out all over the place." Sally wrinkled her nose. "It seems sorta odd but hey. All I know about a phone is talkin' on one."
    "So you're not real familiar with conductivity and all that?"
    Sally came to a halt and spun around, her eyes widening. "You son of a bitch! You ROTTEN son of a bitch! That was YOU on the phone????"
   
    Moral of the story: Unless you plan to quit drinking, DON'T piss off your bartender. And now you know how I came to be known as Mr. AT&T.

    It seems my creativity has eluded me for many days and nights of late which is why I chose to simply repost some of what I created in the past. I'm off on a turn-around in my mind. I could say it was the demands of my work, which have become increasingly heavy the past month or so. And maybe it's partly the holidays.
    My emotions become conflicted when the holidays come marching on. Thanksgiving is surely my favorite holiday simply because it's a special time for me with a million memories; all good. That said, I've volunteered to work the holiday. I usually do. But....Mrs Morgan, the kids and I WILL have our time together. We always do. Us, the kids, the grandkids and the critters. It's a real special time at the Ponderosa.
    Then along comes Christmas. I would abolish Christmas entirely if it were possible. It is NOT a pleasant time of year for me. But.....New Year's makes up for it. Every year I find myself overflowing with optimism. A new year. New beginnings. New adventures. Much to be done. All will be well. Blah....... blah....... blah.
    I have no idea how much the holiday ritual plays on my current mood. I feel withdrawn yet at peace with myself. I feel like I'm searching for something inside, but not searching desperately. Rather I'm just gradually sifting through all manner of thoughts and emotions and memories. I have no idea what I'm looking for, but I'll know it when I find it.
    Until I do rediscover the magic, please remember this. I hold each of you here on the Stream in very high regard. You are all like family. I wish for each of you happiness, peace of mind and good fortune.
    And please remember this: Captain Morgan's chosen to wander but it does NOT mean I am lost. Keep a candle burning in the window. My ship will return. I promise.

    One of the companies I worked for while I was on the road was owned by an old Swede named Ed. He was a cigar chomping hard-case, big as a house and an absolute Einstein with machinery. He was also an alchoholic and had mood swings that were unbelievable. During the five years I worked for him I quit three times and he fired me twice. When he fired me, he'd end up finding me and convince me to come back to work for him. He did the same when I quit.
    Considering the mischief and havoc that I and the rest of his crew could wreak, it's no small wonder he drank so much. We worked our butts to the bone for him, he paid us well and he'd line us up in front of the job shack every time a prank of ours got out of hand and lecture the dickens out've us, threaten to fire us and then send us back to work.
    Not only were we prone to mischief, we tended to be a wee bit uncouth. It wasn't at all unusual for one of us millwrights to stand on a high beam and moon all the boilermakers a few floors down. Once when Big Mike Kincaid was hooking up a drain line, Bobby Blue climbed topside and pee'd down the pipe. Needless to say, Big Mike chased Blue halfway across the jobsite. When the old swede caught wind of what was going on he damn near shit a wheatie. Another collective ass chewing ensued shortly thereafter.
    And on the subject of excretement . . . . .the old swede went completely ballastic every time he'd go to the head and find shit on the toilet seat. I'm not real crazy about having to clean up after someone that can't aim their ass, but the old swede was damn near obsessive about it.
One morning he lined us all up and informed us that he was gonna "shit can" (we all struggled not to giggle as he was lecturing, but it did seem a fitting pun) the next son-of-a-bitch he caught leaving shit on the toilet seat. None of us had the balls to ask him how he intended to determine who the culprit was. Oklahoma Earl and I were sitting out front of the job shack eating lunch later in the day and Earl started laughing. "What's so god damn funny, Earl?"
    "Aw, I was just sitt'n here wonder'n how the hell the old swede's gonna figure out who the sloppy shitter is! Balls on a hen! He ain't got no x-ray vision, does he?"
About that time a plan started to formulate in my devious mind. I knew Earl loved peanut butter. He'd buy a jar of of it and a loaf of bread and make peanut butter sandwiches every morning before he left the motel for work. So I asked him. "Hey, Earl! You got any peanut butter stashed in your truck?"
    Earl pondered for a moment. "Yea, I think there's about half a jar under the seat."
    "Mind if I take it?" I asked.
    "Help yourself. I ain't sure it's still good, but it prob'ly is."
    I thanked him, grabbed the jar out of his truck and stashed it in my tool box. Then I watched and waited. I knew the old swede would be making the rounds of the job site by mid-afternoon. And he ALWAYS stopped to take a shit on his way back to the job shack. I've never seen anyone more regular than he was. I swear, he must've mixed Metamucil with his Jack Daniels.
    There he came. Striding along, chomping on his cigar, scowling and shouting occasionally when he saw something that pissed him off. I made sure he saw me go into the head. I had the peanut butter jar hidden in my overalls. I slammed the door, opened the jar and smeared just the right amount of peanut butter on the toilet seat. Then I cracked the door open just enough to keep an eye on the old swede.
    Sure enough! He was about twenty yards away, watching the door to the head like a big-ass bird. I jammed the jar into my butt pocket, opened the door and marched back to work. I was about half-way up the scaffolding when I heard him bellering. Right on cue, he hollered at me to get my ass down to the ground and come over to the head.
    I walked up to him, an innocent expression on my face. "What d'ya need, Ed?"
    "Jesus fuck'n Christ! Can't you aim your ass any better than this?"
He gestured toward the toilet seat.
    I stepped past him and peered at the seat. "Damn. I don't think that mess is mine, Ed." (I knew that'd send him over the edge, and it did.)
While he was standing behind me bellowing like a fog horn, I reached down, scooped up some peanut butter with my finger and tasted it. "I'll be damned, Ed, it IS shit!"
    It was the first time in all the years I'd known him that he was absolutely speechless! Damn wonder he didn't fire me.